Choosing friends

What do you look for in a friend? Funny? Popular? Loyal? Honest even when it hurts? Has your back online? Always agrees with you? Now try a harder question: which of those would matter most if your life went badly wrong?

The friends you choose now will shape who you become. That's not a new idea. It's some of the oldest wisdom in the Bible. Proverbs has a lot to say about friendship: how to choose friends, how to be one, and what a true friend looks like. And it points to the truest friend of all.

What you'll learn

• What three proverbs teach about friendship
• The difference between being kind to everyone and choosing who shapes you
• How Jesus is the true friend, and the model for being one

Three proverbs about friends

Remember, proverbs are wise sayings about how life usually works, not promises. Here are three of the best on friendship.

"He who walks with the wise will become wise, but the companion of fools will be destroyed." (Proverbs 13:20)

To walk with someone means to spend your time with them. You pick up their habits, language, jokes and attitudes, often without noticing. Try this: whose phrases do you say now that you didn't say a year ago? That can be good news or bad news, depending on who you're walking with.

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." (Proverbs 17:17)

A true friend's love doesn't switch off when you're in trouble, unpopular or having a terrible week. Hard times show who your real friends are.

"A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who stays closer than a brother." (Proverbs 18:24)

Lots of connections isn't the same as real friendship. You can have 800 followers and no one to sit with at lunch. One loyal friend is worth more than a crowd.

Two more proverbs fill out the picture. Proverbs 27:6 says an honest friend will sometimes say things that hurt, but that kind of honesty is faithful. And Proverbs 16:28 warns that gossip can split up close friends.

Wisdom in real life

How does this work in the real world? Think about situations like these:

• Your friendship group starts quietly leaving one girl out: a different lunch spot, a new group chat without her.
• A new, "cooler" group wants you to hang out, but they mock your old friend.
• Your best friend tells you that you've been showing off lately and it's annoying people. You feel hurt.

For each one, ask: which proverb helps here? What's the wise move? What would make it hard?

Here's the key point. Choosing friends wisely does not mean dumping anyone who isn't perfect, or being unkind to people outside your group. Jesus was criticised for being a friend of tax collectors and sinners (Luke 7:34). He spent time with people everyone else avoided. So: be kind to everyone, but be careful who shapes you. A good question to ask is, "Am I influencing them, or are they influencing me?"

And one more thing. If a friend tells you they're not safe and asks you to keep it secret, a true friend gets help: telling a trusted adult isn't betrayal, it's love in a time of trouble.

Jesus, the friend who stays closer

On the night before he died, Jesus said this to his disciples:

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are My friends if you do what I command you." (John 15:13–14)

• Jesus is the friend who stays closer than a brother. He doesn't drop people when they mess up. Peter denied knowing him three times, and Jesus welcomed him back.
• Jesus showed the greatest love. The very next day, he laid down his life for his friends.
• Jesus calls his followers friends, not just servants. That's the kind of friendship with God the whole Bible has been heading towards.

The best way to have good friends is to become a good friend, and Jesus shows you how.

Key words

• Walk with: spend your time with someone, so that they shape you.
• Companion: someone you hang around with.
• Adversity: hard times and trouble.
• Loyal: sticking with someone when it costs you.

How this points to Jesus

Proverbs 18:24 describes a friend who stays closer than a brother. For a long time that was just a hope. In Jesus, it became a person. He is loyal when we're not, honest with us because he loves us, and he gave his life for his friends.

Think about it

Take it further

Think of one way you could be a better friend this week: inviting someone to sit with you, or messaging a friend who's having a hard time. Your worksheet helps you apply the proverbs to real friendship situations.

If you'd like to, you could pray:

Jesus, thank you that you are a friend who stays closer than a brother. Help me to choose friends who help me follow you, to be kind to everyone, and to be a loyal friend myself. Amen.