Downloads
Your sibling takes your phone charger, again. Someone posts an embarrassing photo of you. You lose an online game because a teammate quit. A friend tells your secret to the group. On a scale from 1 to 10, how angry would each one make you?
When anger gets to 8 or 9, your heart races, your face goes hot and you stop thinking clearly. Most of us have said or done something at a 9 that we regretted at a 3. Anger isn't the enemy. It's what we do with it that matters. Proverbs and the apostle Paul both give wisdom for the moment the thermometer starts rising, and Jesus shows us what to do when someone has really hurt us.
What you'll learn
- How a gentle answer can calm a fight
- What it means to be angry without sinning
- What forgiveness is, what it isn't, and why Christians forgive
Gentle answers
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1)
Imagine someone says, "Oi, that's my seat." One person answers, "Didn't see your name on it. Get lost." Another says, "Oh, sorry, I didn't know. I'll move." What happens next in each case?
A gentle answer isn't weak. It actually takes more strength to stay calm. Proverbs adds two more pieces of wisdom:
- A fool lets all their anger out, but a wise person holds it back (Proverbs 29:11).
- Sometimes it's wise to let a small offence go (Proverbs 19:11). Not everything needs a reply.
Remember, proverbs are general wisdom. A gentle answer usually calms things down, but not always. You can't control the other person. You can control your answer.
Angry without sinning
Paul wrote to a church learning to live together:
"‘Be angry, yet do not sin.’ Do not let the sun set upon your anger, and do not give the devil a foothold." (Ephesians 4:26–27)
- Anger isn't always sin. Jesus was angry at injustice and hard hearts. Being angry when someone is bullied, or at something truly wrong, can be right.
- Anger turns to sin when it hurts people, wants revenge, or won't let go.
- Don't let the sun go down on it. Deal with anger quickly. Talk it out, pray it out or get help, instead of stewing on it all night.
- Don't give the devil a foothold. Anger that's left to sit grows into bitterness, like a weed taking over a garden.
So anger that sins might look like yelling, hitting or getting even. Anger that doesn't sin might look like naming the feeling, stepping away to calm down, and then dealing with it before it festers.
Then Paul shows where all this is heading:
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, outcry and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and tenderhearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you." (Ephesians 4:31–32)
Why Christians forgive
Jesus told a story about a servant who was forgiven a debt so huge he could never repay it. Then that same servant went out and threw a fellow servant into prison over a tiny debt (Matthew 18:21–35). Something is badly wrong with that picture.
On the cross, Jesus prayed for the people who were killing him. Christians believe he paid a debt we could never pay. That's the heart of Ephesians 4:32: we forgive because we have been forgiven so much.
What forgiveness is and isn't
Forgiveness is often misunderstood, so it helps to be clear:
| Forgiveness is… | Forgiveness is not… |
|---|---|
| Choosing not to pay someone back | Pretending it didn't hurt |
| Handing the situation over to God | Saying what they did was okay |
| Sometimes a process you repeat many times | Trusting them again straight away |
| Possible with God's help | Keeping quiet about harm, or staying unsafe |
Forgiving someone doesn't mean there are no consequences. And it never means you have to keep quiet if someone is hurting you. If that's happening, please talk to a parent, teacher, school counsellor or another adult you trust.
If you've been deeply hurt and you're not ready to forgive yet, that's honest. Forgiveness is often a long road, and God is patient with you on it.
Key words
- Wrath: strong, fierce anger.
- Foothold: a place to get a grip, like a foot on a climbing wall.
- Bitterness: anger that's been left to sit until it goes sour.
- Forgive: to choose not to pay someone back for a wrong, and to hand it over to God.
How this points to Jesus
Proverbs tells us to answer gently and hold back anger. Jesus did that perfectly. When he was insulted, mocked and nailed to a cross, he didn't lash out. He prayed, "Father, forgive them." The forgiveness Christians offer others flows from the forgiveness they have received from him.
Think about it
Is a gentle answer a sign of weakness?Show answer
No. It usually takes more strength to stay calm than to snap back, and it often stops a fight from growing.
Why do you think Paul says to deal with anger before the sun goes down?Show answer
Anger that's left overnight tends to grow into bitterness and grudges. Dealing with it quickly stops it from taking root.
Does forgiving someone mean you have to trust them again straight away?Show answer
No. Forgiveness means not paying them back, but trust has to be rebuilt over time, and you should never stay somewhere unsafe.
Take it further
Privately, just for yourself, think about this: is there someone you need to forgive, or someone you need to ask for forgiveness? What's one small step you could take this week? Your worksheet helps you sort out what forgiveness is and isn't.
If you'd like to, you could pray:
Father, thank you that in Jesus you have forgiven me more than I could ever repay. Help me to answer gently, to deal with my anger quickly, and to forgive as you have forgiven me. Where forgiving is hard, help me one step at a time. Amen.